Mental Escapade

Burning Questions

How can i stand in a room, surrounded by people laughing and talking and
feel completely alone. like a shell you can’t even hear the ghost of the ocean in.
and so i weep inside, as not to show my weakness. i stand wondering, how did i let myself become this? i have everything and at the same time, nothing. in one presence i can experience pain and joy. the joy of the presence and the pain of the thousand thoughts surrounding it.

And so having everything proves to cause more pain than joy and as a result alienates me from others. seeking pleasure makes me a monster. yet i can’t stop nor let go. i find myself willing, dying to fight no matter the clatteral damage to others or my own being. so the trend continues and my life seems an endless chasm in which i am falling. a thousand thoughts feeding a thousand pains that strike, crippling me as one. i hold onto what support i can bare and let little go. a slave to conciousness.

so why then do i feel numb to all thats around me? why the need to shut out all help and support? because it imasculates and i hide my shame and weakness. at the same time desiring an outlet. but none but one will do and still i fear to do so at the risk of burdening the soul and forever losing what i feel is left. so resorting to violence and rashness is the alternative. neither which i approve yet find it difficult to with hold the both.

which arouses the question, What are my escapes? to dream shows me what i want. a brief relief that stings on waking. Anger and violence are a cover that allow a shift in focus and an outlet of emotion. to bask in the presence is an antidote but short lived if interrupted or unnurtured. denile only builds angst. the ultimate escape seems crude but sits tempting as a thought, impractical as an action. so all i can hope for is sleep and dream to last a life time.